Three Faces of Shame

Triggers of Shame and the Shame Reaction

Shame can be triggered by “shame moments”, when the person is triggered into self-consciousness or self-judgement: This could be noticing a behavioural misstep or realising a mistake, being in a socially awkward situation, or experiencing disapproval from others. Feeling rejected or excluded from a group can also cause shame. In addition, more serious misdeeds can lead to strong reactions from others, deepening the sense of shame.

How a person reacts to these triggers and the intensity of the resulting shame is not proportional to the size of the misstep – it is more related to the person’s internalised response pathways and the perceived impact of the misstep in relation to others.

Three Main Forms of the Emotion Shame

The distinction between red and white shame goes back to Else-Britt Kjellqvist (1993).

Red Shame – Embarrassment

• Red Shame is a milder short-lived form of shame, often experienced as embarrassment, which signals a social misstep. It is a feeling of self-consciousness, uneasiness, or awkwardness that happens when you think you’ve done something socially unacceptable, silly, or inappropriate.
• Red Shame is associated with an activated, sympathetic nervous system response. This is accompanied by physical reactions like blushing, nervous laughter, or avoiding eye contact.

Red Shame is defined as short-lived embarrassment and can be resolved through reconnection with others.

White Shame – Intensive Shame

• White Shame is a deeper, more painful and more enduring emotion than embarrassment. While embarrassment is usually brief and linked to social awkwardness, White Shame is more intense and persistent. It strikes at the core of a person’s identity, often involving powerful feelings of worthlessness, unworthiness, failure, or self-loathing.
• White Shame is related to a dorsal vagal shutdown, i.e. a parasympathetic response of the nervous system. This lead to feelings of paralysis, isolation, and self-erasure. Physically, the skin may pale. At the same time the muscle tonus goes into a collapse, shoulders may slump, signalling an unconscious desire to disappear.

White Shame lingers longer, overcoming it requires gentle self-compassion, active remorse, and reconnecting with safe, supportive relationships.

Toxic Shame

• Toxic Shame (also Shame as a personality trait) is a form of chronic shame, which becomes part of one’s personality. Toxic share is a persistent and deeply ingrained sense of shame that develops from repeated and intense experiences of shame, especially those rooted in traumatic events or shameful experiences during childhood. This trait also causes proneness to feeling shame and easily being triggered into the intense forms of shame.

While Red and White Shame are acute emotions, Toxic Shame is a chronic condition that often stems from traumatic experiences.

Understanding these forms of shame allows us to find healthier ways to navigate and heal from shame.

Key Differences

The following table distinguishes Red and White Shame. Both are situationally adequate forms of shame, i.e. reactions to the current situation. Toxic Shame on the other hand is a chronic form of White Shame and proneness to frequent episodes of shame.

Red Shame – Embarrassment

Red Shame is the emotional experience of embarrassment coupled with a noticeable physical reaction, most commonly blushing and increased body temperature.

The emotion of Red Shame is marked by a profound sense of self-consciousness and a heightened awareness of being judged or scrutinised by others. It is accompanied by a milder form of social discomfort. This form of shame may arise in social situations where an individual perceives themselves as having violated social norms, made a mistake, or been exposed. It is related to being caught at doing something which is frowned upon or something which would be judged if others would learn about it.

The associated physiological response is blushing — where the skin of the face and sometimes also the neck become flushed with blood. Blushing is associated to a sympathetic activation of the nervous system, which draws us towards action.

Blushing also serves as a visible indicator of this emotional reaction – others can see that we are aware of our mistake. In this way, blushing helps to regulate contact with other people.

Embarrassment (Red Shame) with blushing is related to sympathetic activation of the nervous system.

Self-Regulation & Regulating Social Contact

The social function of the emotion Embarrassment is that we get the signal that we need to modify our behaviour to stay within the norms of the group. It is a signal that if we continue this behaviour, we may lose connection to others. It allows us to learn and modify our behaviour and then reconnect to the group.

Embarrassment / blushing can create a positive action and feedback loop. Others see our embarrassment and we can communicate about it and reconnect, which will in turn help us regulating the emotion. Conversely, the sympathetic activation may also help us to assert ourselves in the situation and overcome any adverse reactions by others.

Red shame activates us towards the action of reconnecting to the group or asserting ourselves vs others.

Vicious Cycle of Shame

On the other hand, Red Shame can also contribute to a self-reinforcing a negative feedback loop. Becoming self-aware of the blushing (and being seen with it or even being shamed for it) can exacerbate the embarrassment, drawing us more towards more intensive forms of shame.

White Shame – Intensive Shame

White Shame is a deeper, more overwhelming experience of shame, marked by a profound sense of self-condemnation and social disconnection.

Unlike the transient discomfort of embarrassment, White Shame is characterised by a deep feeling of wanting to disappear or sink into the ground. It can leading to withdrawal, silence, or an inability to act in the moment.

White Shame typically arises when individuals perceive themselves as violating social norms in a way that threatens their core identity and social standing. It arises from actions or omissions that can be judged as personality flaws, creating a sense of personal inadequacy.

The physiological response of White Shame is pallor (becoming pale), as blood retreats from the face and extremities. This response is linked to the parasympathetic nervous system, the so called dorso-vagal shutdown. At the same time, the body posture of people experiencing White Shame may slump, i.e. upper body muscles lose their tonus, the shoulder slump forward. This physiological response goes along with immobilisation and inability to actively engage with others.

Instead of drawing attention to the individual (as blushing does), paling and slumping may be interpreted as an involuntary attempt to disappear, to fade into the background and avoid scrutiny. The body’s reaction signals withdrawal, reinforcing the sense of alienation and helplessness.

Falling into intense shame, is connected to deep feelings of helplessness, collapse and loss of self esteem.

Positive effects of intense shame

White Shame can serve as a powerful motivational force for self-reflection and moral reorientation / realignment. The experience of deep shame can prompt an individual to examine their past actions, take responsibility, and seek ways to make amends. If met with forgiveness, it can lead to profound moral or behavioural change. Through recognition of wrongdoing and reconciliation, one can reintegrate into the social fabric.

Vicious cycle of Shame

While Red Shame (Embarrassment) drives us toward action and social correction, White Shame can immobilize us. Recognizing the effects of White Shame and finding ways to process and repair the rupture—both internally and socially—are key to preventing Shame from becoming a source of deep suffering.

However, White Shame can also become self-destructive. When an individual cannot find a path to reconnection, the shame can transform from a temporary emotional response and become internalized as a permanent state of being (Toxic Shame – see below). This can lead to avoidance, isolation, and even self-loathing, reinforcing the belief that one is fundamentally unworthy or irredeemably inadequate. This downward spiral can contribute to depression, anxiety, and social withdrawal, making reintegration increasingly difficult.

Toxic Shame – Pervasive Experiences of Shame

Toxic Shame is the chronic form of White Shame. It is a persistent and deeply ingrained feeling of shame often combined with shame proneness.

With Toxic Shame, Shame and the feeling of worthlessness become part of the identity and virtually become a personality trait. This form of shame leads to heightened sensitivity to situations that can trigger shame and to longer-lasting, intense feelings of shame, worthlessness, inadequacy and self-criticism.

Toxic shame develops from repeated and intense experiences of shame, especially those rooted in traumatic events or shameful experiences during childhood.

Shame Proneness

Individuals with Toxic Shame often exhibit a pronounced vulnerability to shame, reacting strongly even to minor incidents that others might not perceive as significant. This heightened shame sensitivity can result in frequent episodes of White Shame.

Shame proneness can be a pervasive feature which combines frequent experiences of shame with a personality structure, which feels deeply inadequate throughout.

Body Posture Manifesting Shame

Over time, Toxic Shame and the repeated experience of intense shame can become embodied in habitual postures and behaviours – the individual habitually feels powerless, helpless, and resigned.

This may manifest through physical postures and body language, which conveys submission, withdrawal, such as slumped shoulders, averted gaze, and a general demeanor of resignation. These physical manifestations are outward signs of the deep-seated and pervasive sense of shame that characterizes Toxic Shame, making it a significant and enduring aspect of the individual’s emotional and psychological landscape.

Final Thoughts: Transforming Shame into Strength

Shame, in its various forms, is a universal human experience. While Red Shame encourages social learning, White Shame can foster moral growth if approached constructively. Toxic Shame requires deep healing and intentional work to overcome deep and recurring shame and rebuild one’s identity in a different way.

By actively addressing shame and reframing it as a tool for growth rather than a marker of failure, we can transform it from a source of suffering into a catalyst for resilience and empowerment.

The key to overcoming shame lies in self-awareness, self-compassion, and reconnection—with oneself and with others.

Further Reading

• Artikel: The Seven Components of the Emotion Shame
• The difference between Red Shame and White Shame was originally introduced by Else-Britt Kjellqvist:
  Kjellqvist, Else-Britt (1993). Rött och vitt: om skam och skamlöshet (Convenience translation of title: Red and white: about shame and shamelessness)
• Further work was done for example by Lars J. Sørensen:
  Sørensen, Lars J. (2013). Skam – medfødt og tillært, Når skam fører til sjælemord (Convenience translation of title: Shame – innate and learned, When shame leads to soul murder)

Author: Volker Dammann

Updated: Aug 2, 2025